The path to Hell is paved with weak game. With people who think that their particular brand or style of bullkanicky is unique; people who are willing to exploit their weak game and sacrifice somebody else's emotions just to get whatever it is that they might want. Nowhere else is this behavior more present than it is in relationships. All of us are wired for companionship, and to not want to feel lonely. But we're all subject to fall for somebody's weak game when we get to feeling this way, simply because we want this feeling to stop. We're wired to want to believe. Simply put, hope is a mother. So is finding out that somebody isn't the person that you thought they were. It's akin to finding out that Santa Claus isn't real, and it can harden your heart, and leave you feeling pretty jaded about love and life.
Part of being a Gangster is dealing with two undeniable facts: 1) That if you get pinched and sent up the river, you're not going to be able to sleep with your mate anymore, and, 2) That somebody else will. How an individual deals with these facts is directly proportional to the level of sanity that they will enjoy while they're in prison. I can almost guarantee you that nobody ever thinks about these two things before they commit a crime. I know that I sure didn't.
Unfortunately though, in addition to my brain being wired with an aversion to loneliness, it's also wired to blow a fuse and turn obsessive-compulsive (while it makes self-defeating decisions) whenever I take narcotics. Once this fuse is blown, it triggers an extreme case of the "screw its" and I don't think about anything other than living in that obsession until somebody throws the breaker. Once several cops (and a judge) reset the breaker though, I'm good to go. Back to normal; and then sitting in a cell for years to come while the world goes along its merry way, and while somebody else sleeps with my girl.
Although I'm blogging about it, this is not something that I ever discuss. Something else I also don't discuss is that this fact makes me aggressive. And I have to be careful not to take my aggression out on people who don't deserve it, and I also have to be careful not to take it out on my girlfriend. Life is a constant and waits for no one, no matter who you are, or where you live. People are born and die; unexpected tragedies and blessings occur; and people fall in and out of love. This is the natural cycle of life.
I've had a couple of different girlfriends in the last six years that I've been locked up. I don't ask or expect them to not sleep with other people. I'm the one that decided to rob banks, the one that got caught, and the one that got sent away...not her. But what I do expect from my girlfriend is loyalty and emotional fidelity. As you read that last sentence, you may wonder if it's possible for your mate to sleep with somebody else, yet remain loyal to you. The answer to this largely depends on the person, but, yes, I believe that this is possible. But if a person wants to call herself my girlfriend, and if she expects emotional fidelity from me and for us to be exclusive, then she has to remain loyal to our bond and give me the same emotional fidelity that I give her, no matter who she gives her body to.
Because if a girl tells me "I love you, baby" while she's telling some other guy the exact same thing, then she's not my girlfriend or even very much of a friend. She's just a common player. I may just be a convict who has plenty of time on his hands, but I don't have the time for somebody who can't keep it real with me.
I believe that another part of being a true Gangster is having the strength to tell somebody to "kick rocks" when you learn that their walk doesn't match their talk; and be willing to be alone as a result of this decision. I think that this is hard to do sometimes though, no matter whether you're out there or back here, because life seems a little bit less lonely and just a little bit less hard when you have somebody to share everything with. But is it worth having somebody to share 50% of your hardships and pain with when you know that that person is being 100% emotionally unfaithful to you?
Or how about this? What if your mate was physically faithful, but only unfaithful emotionally? Could you live with it? This particular dynamic is very prevalent these days due to social media. What if your mate was having a romantic or sexual relationship with somebody online where there was absolutely no chance that they would ever be able to touch, or even meet that individual in person? Would it be worth it to overlook this, so long as you were getting what you wanted or needed from your mate? I guess that depends on the expectations of the relationship, and whether or not you two were in love. Because love changes everything, doesn't it? The answers to these questions really come down to how you're built, and if you're willing to live your beliefs and suffer for them.
If I got up in the middle of the night and found my girlfriend online talking sex or saying "I love you" to somebody else, I wouldn't freak out...or even get mad. Personally, if I found myself in this situation, I'm only going to be thinking about one thing: How many suitcases are in the house? Because she's gotta go.
After she's gone, and I'm sitting there all alone in a beautiful house that now feels like a prison cell, I'll do what real Gangsters do when they find themselves in this situation. Feel angry and stupid for believing in somebody...again. Then I'll go thru Hell as I secretly wish for Heaven. Some days, the path to Hell is paved with hope and sometimes, you have to go thru Hell in order to get to Heaven.
At least this is what I continue to tell myself as I sit here alone in my cell with nothing but my pride...and this pen.
Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2
Part of being a Gangster is dealing with two undeniable facts: 1) That if you get pinched and sent up the river, you're not going to be able to sleep with your mate anymore, and, 2) That somebody else will. How an individual deals with these facts is directly proportional to the level of sanity that they will enjoy while they're in prison. I can almost guarantee you that nobody ever thinks about these two things before they commit a crime. I know that I sure didn't.
Unfortunately though, in addition to my brain being wired with an aversion to loneliness, it's also wired to blow a fuse and turn obsessive-compulsive (while it makes self-defeating decisions) whenever I take narcotics. Once this fuse is blown, it triggers an extreme case of the "screw its" and I don't think about anything other than living in that obsession until somebody throws the breaker. Once several cops (and a judge) reset the breaker though, I'm good to go. Back to normal; and then sitting in a cell for years to come while the world goes along its merry way, and while somebody else sleeps with my girl.
Although I'm blogging about it, this is not something that I ever discuss. Something else I also don't discuss is that this fact makes me aggressive. And I have to be careful not to take my aggression out on people who don't deserve it, and I also have to be careful not to take it out on my girlfriend. Life is a constant and waits for no one, no matter who you are, or where you live. People are born and die; unexpected tragedies and blessings occur; and people fall in and out of love. This is the natural cycle of life.
I've had a couple of different girlfriends in the last six years that I've been locked up. I don't ask or expect them to not sleep with other people. I'm the one that decided to rob banks, the one that got caught, and the one that got sent away...not her. But what I do expect from my girlfriend is loyalty and emotional fidelity. As you read that last sentence, you may wonder if it's possible for your mate to sleep with somebody else, yet remain loyal to you. The answer to this largely depends on the person, but, yes, I believe that this is possible. But if a person wants to call herself my girlfriend, and if she expects emotional fidelity from me and for us to be exclusive, then she has to remain loyal to our bond and give me the same emotional fidelity that I give her, no matter who she gives her body to.
Because if a girl tells me "I love you, baby" while she's telling some other guy the exact same thing, then she's not my girlfriend or even very much of a friend. She's just a common player. I may just be a convict who has plenty of time on his hands, but I don't have the time for somebody who can't keep it real with me.
I believe that another part of being a true Gangster is having the strength to tell somebody to "kick rocks" when you learn that their walk doesn't match their talk; and be willing to be alone as a result of this decision. I think that this is hard to do sometimes though, no matter whether you're out there or back here, because life seems a little bit less lonely and just a little bit less hard when you have somebody to share everything with. But is it worth having somebody to share 50% of your hardships and pain with when you know that that person is being 100% emotionally unfaithful to you?
Or how about this? What if your mate was physically faithful, but only unfaithful emotionally? Could you live with it? This particular dynamic is very prevalent these days due to social media. What if your mate was having a romantic or sexual relationship with somebody online where there was absolutely no chance that they would ever be able to touch, or even meet that individual in person? Would it be worth it to overlook this, so long as you were getting what you wanted or needed from your mate? I guess that depends on the expectations of the relationship, and whether or not you two were in love. Because love changes everything, doesn't it? The answers to these questions really come down to how you're built, and if you're willing to live your beliefs and suffer for them.
If I got up in the middle of the night and found my girlfriend online talking sex or saying "I love you" to somebody else, I wouldn't freak out...or even get mad. Personally, if I found myself in this situation, I'm only going to be thinking about one thing: How many suitcases are in the house? Because she's gotta go.
After she's gone, and I'm sitting there all alone in a beautiful house that now feels like a prison cell, I'll do what real Gangsters do when they find themselves in this situation. Feel angry and stupid for believing in somebody...again. Then I'll go thru Hell as I secretly wish for Heaven. Some days, the path to Hell is paved with hope and sometimes, you have to go thru Hell in order to get to Heaven.
At least this is what I continue to tell myself as I sit here alone in my cell with nothing but my pride...and this pen.
Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2